Thank you Blessing for another powerful piece. The quigmire I often see is that for women who are able to do the jet setting jobs, they either do not have children or have a couple of nannies who take their place, so another woman taking on the care then who cares for the nanies children?
In Europe, couples who try to balance the careers of man and woman in one household by taking turns in childcare end up costing the careers of both. Is the problem capitalism?
Those women also rely on the underpaid or unpaid labor of other women who are typically immigrants. And I don't think its capitalism, I think its society choosing to not value care, seeing care as women's work and therefore not deserving of true economic value. Its why we do not include caregiving or the care economy in the GDP. We should do that.
The demotion of care work itself, doesn’t just harm women who are saddled with the work and the children who need the care, it also has negative repercussions for men or single, childfree people who are taught to imagine that being “carefree” is the epitome of freedom and power.
It is through caring for others that we belong. It is through care that we develop a depth of relationship. It is acts of caregiving that give fathers the oxytocin from primary relationships. When men are “freed” from care work, they are freed to do whatever they want, but they are also cut off from genuine intimacy, belonging, and social purpose.
When we make it impossible for either men or women to imagine caregiving as life-sustaining, rewarding human work with dignity and purpose, we blow up the foundation of community and human belonging. Instead we have turned caregiving into to mindless drudgery paired with insurmountable expectations, and no respite. As a society, we are what we choose, and it shows.
So the lack of balance leaves women with way too much caregiving, endless driving motivations, but no opportunity for self-actualization or regeneration. And it leaves men with oodles of time for self-actualization, but also seeking structure and belonging from external forces, making them vulnerable to exploitation from other men, and deeply lonely and unsatisfied.
If men helped women to structure more of life around care, both problems could resolve simultaneously. They are reverse sides of the same coin. Engaging everyone in the care process fosters connection, and reduces expectation anxieties because care isn’t something that some people demand of others, but something we all do.
Oh my goodness. This essay is everything I felt in my marriage. I was essentially less of a person. It also is why men are entitled to drink as much as they want around the world and the harms are born by women and children.
Thank you Blessing for another powerful piece. The quigmire I often see is that for women who are able to do the jet setting jobs, they either do not have children or have a couple of nannies who take their place, so another woman taking on the care then who cares for the nanies children?
In Europe, couples who try to balance the careers of man and woman in one household by taking turns in childcare end up costing the careers of both. Is the problem capitalism?
Those women also rely on the underpaid or unpaid labor of other women who are typically immigrants. And I don't think its capitalism, I think its society choosing to not value care, seeing care as women's work and therefore not deserving of true economic value. Its why we do not include caregiving or the care economy in the GDP. We should do that.
Thank you for framing time like this - and I’m adding your Substack to my students’ reading list!
Thank you so much!
I feel this. Even harder for single moms😔
Oh Absolutely!
Good read - thank you.
Thank you!
The demotion of care work itself, doesn’t just harm women who are saddled with the work and the children who need the care, it also has negative repercussions for men or single, childfree people who are taught to imagine that being “carefree” is the epitome of freedom and power.
It is through caring for others that we belong. It is through care that we develop a depth of relationship. It is acts of caregiving that give fathers the oxytocin from primary relationships. When men are “freed” from care work, they are freed to do whatever they want, but they are also cut off from genuine intimacy, belonging, and social purpose.
When we make it impossible for either men or women to imagine caregiving as life-sustaining, rewarding human work with dignity and purpose, we blow up the foundation of community and human belonging. Instead we have turned caregiving into to mindless drudgery paired with insurmountable expectations, and no respite. As a society, we are what we choose, and it shows.
So the lack of balance leaves women with way too much caregiving, endless driving motivations, but no opportunity for self-actualization or regeneration. And it leaves men with oodles of time for self-actualization, but also seeking structure and belonging from external forces, making them vulnerable to exploitation from other men, and deeply lonely and unsatisfied.
If men helped women to structure more of life around care, both problems could resolve simultaneously. They are reverse sides of the same coin. Engaging everyone in the care process fosters connection, and reduces expectation anxieties because care isn’t something that some people demand of others, but something we all do.
Oh my goodness. This essay is everything I felt in my marriage. I was essentially less of a person. It also is why men are entitled to drink as much as they want around the world and the harms are born by women and children.